Nothing Special, nothing elusive.
I guess , I'm now on that day, where everyone starts thinking
"maine life me kya kia ? "
I mean, even the most dammed of all, Vix is making millions,
bhaida, following him, is wasting all his knowledge, and all that he taught me.
But I've nothing to complain over that, I've never been into the money laundry stuff,
and God knows, if that greed would ever encompass me.
I fear for vix, what will he do, when all this ends ?
everyone else has life ahead or something in pocket as alternative,
but vix doesn't have that thing. I dunno, when he's gonna understand me, I raise serious concern over him. Anyways it's vix life, he came out of bad luck, and now possess the title of "Seth". I guess he'll make out something or the other.
Deactivated Srishti's FB profile, I dunno why does she has to ask me for this thing, It's really hard to close that option which inspires you to come online. Damn the girl, she has totally ruled over me :)
Now Playing - Emptiness
River to sea
There we will be
I've found my place
Where I have longed to be
I can't erase any mistake
But I can outgrow
Rivers of love will flow
Turn around
Your life is in your hands
Nowhere to be
Found plenty things to be
Unleashing hell
Each time the answers fell
I cannot change any man's hate
But I can make known
Forgiving waters that flow
Turn around
Your life is in your hands
Don't mean you won't wake from the dead
It don't mean you can't
It don't mean you you can't wake from the dead
Don't mean you can't
River to sea
There we will be
I've found my place
Where I have longed to be
I can't erase any mistake
But I can outgrow
Rivers of love will flow
Turn around
Your life is in your hands
Nowhere to be
Found plenty things to be
Unleashing hell
Each time the answers fell
I cannot change any man's hate
But I can make known
Forgiving waters that flow
Turn around
Your life is in your hands
Don't mean you won't wake from the dead
It don't mean you can't
It don't mean you you can't wake from the dead
Don't mean you can't
It's something that just happened an 'our back, I was packing up clothes for going back to college. Mom came in the room, she was in that obnoxious state, what I usually refer as *excited but sad*.
She was there for quite some time, suddenly she said a very odd thing, she said " tumhare paas kuch jiada black t-shirts nai he ? " and I replied back " takriban saari"
huh ! I remember there was a time, when I was magnetized to the red, all I wear (t-shirts) were red, that time mom used to complain about the red, and now it's black.
It came through a click of mind, wasn't it that, my life went through the same stage from red to black, haha, kinda odd thing, but sure it does mean something :D
Looking forward for college life again after a hiatus :)
PS : Black by Pearl Jam is my second fav song, and I'm NOT playing it right now :D
I'm too afraid these days, just 5 more days left at home before I leave again for the college.
As I see facebook updates from all my friends, I know they're tempting to go back, everyone' complaining about the boredom at home, but that isn't the case with me. I'm just afraid, too much afraid...
I dunno, why I've gotta this melancholic feeling, that something wrong is going to happen out there, this feeling is presumably strong, that I can't deny it, nor could I ignore it.
Never believed in fate or as such shit, but it has happen with me in past, whenever I had this feeling in past, there would be an incident, it's all that adding up to my fear.
this scene sucks :(
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin' maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving
I've been a fan of a spanish song : "Lucha de gigantes" by Nacha Pop.
It was last year that karin suggested me this song, when she was on her Colombian trip.
Finally found it's English translation, here it goes :)
turns the air
into natural gas
a wild duel warns me
how close I am
of going into an noutrageous world
I feel my fragility
some nightmare
running away
with a beast after me
tell me everything's a lie
just a silly dreamand
nothing more
I'm afraid of enormity
where nobody hears my voice
stop the deception
don't try to hide
that you've never tripped
while moving around
paper monster
I don't know
who I'm up against
or is there
somebody else here?
I believe in the terrible ghosts
of some strange place
and in my foolishness to make you
burst into laughter
In an outrageous world
I feel your fragility
stop the deception
don't try to hide
that you've never tripped
while moving around
Paper monster
I don' tknow
who I'm up against
lets leave pain behind.
As Bhavesh reminds " Aaj ke din Mumbai me flood aai thi 2004 me "
This day has tagged itself as one of the most memorable and happiest day of my life.
A Reconciliation, wow, the most amazing thing that has happened in past two years !
Well, first of all to start with; many happy returns of the day Srishti :) hope you've an effluent future ahead, and get an eloquent success in every sphere of life. You've been the most lateral entry into my life, and it's nearly a year, since I've known you.
Due to circumstances, I'm not able to gift you anything, but I hope my love will always be there for you, and whenever you'll need my presence as a tranquillizer, I'll be there, I'll be there for you girl.
Now, the big thing ! yeah, we reconciled, after damn two years, we finally had a group chat on my facebook status message :) The old school friends, the studious group, and yeah Harshit, who was seriously out of touch with everyone, replied ! I'm gonna meet him in evening. I'm gonna keep an archive of that chat, I'm so damn happy today. I've got my old group back :) If I was floating in air during evening then certainly I'm on cloud 9 this time :) Yay, Srish, your birthday made the day for me !
Last day for bhaida in Delhi, you know what bhaida, you suck ! damn you, you can't even say a good bye before leaving :( Adieu, hope you do well in that alien city..... I miss you so much, I've never been able to tell you, you're the most respected person in my eyes after mom and dad. Ya, I know, I'm also not doing anything, it's my fault too, but bhaida....
Now Playing : Layla (Acoustic Version) - Eric Clapton
PS : http://paste-it.net/private/g5a364a/
Just having one of the best ginger tea :) on this fine rain-spooked evening :) listening to "been here before" by Jeremy Enigk, this song has that peculiar stuff, it always make me happy. Like it sooth you and drags out all the good feeling, a positive glow on you.
I dunno, what it feels like when you're high on LSD and then plugged into some of the floyd's song, but I know it'd be similar to this, getting high without drugs with good things around you :D
I'll miss this life soon. Spending the few last days at home, then again the same damn college, and the same nasty Maggi :P
Missing you bhaida :(
A thousand strands of sunlight in her eyes.
Now I wanna give away what I've taken back.
Step away with you toward the night.
Hold me in your eyes or suddenly deny
I empathize.
Hurry up and sleep, to the night you go.
Could I've ever imagined on a serious note, that life can be so random; huff !
I know with time everything changes, but such a hiatus on a relation, and from both sides ?
Well that's how it is going, a damn pause :|
The verve inside me has lost somewhere, straightforward example can be taken from my unattended blog, it's all just crappy thoughts flooding inside my already sick mind.
Just trying to revive things again, on a road to home again :)
aaine me apna hi aks dekhta tha
na jaane kab chehra badal gaia
Bought around 4 novels last month from landmark, yeah it boozed me again. I desperately wanted to have poppies of Arvind Gosh, however as usual I was running off budget in an alien city. Well there was one novel amidst the collection, and that by an Indian author Novoneel Chakraborty title
d A thing beyond forever. This book left a vivid impression on me, not because the book was so greatest of all time, or if the author was famous enough, the only reason was because somehow i felt that book close enough to me.
The tag-line " the reward for every true love is not love" attracted me at the first glance.
A must read book :) read more about book from
http://nbconline.blogspot.com/2008/07/thing-beyond-forever.html
Following excerpts from the book elucidating the dairy of Raen.
And yeah, I'm back to blogging again, was facing some glitches with computers, so was off the beat. :)
13th September
Papa has never hurt anybody's feeling ( i can bet my life on it), has not thought evil of anyone at any time, has never done anything in an illegal or sinful manner, never used foul language against anybody; he did all his duties to the best of his abilities and perhaps even more. And after all this what does God do ? Leave him with no option but to cry in front of his own son. I hate you, God. Not because you are making a hell out of my life but you played with a person who deserved your blessing. You always do that, don't you ? You tease the person who deserves your utmost care. You test only those who walk the right path. You design impediments only for those who have the capability of doing something in life. You screw those who are good to others and care to be human.
There are people who, even in today's world, place all their trust in you. And what do you do ? Make a mockery of their trust, belief and faith directing them towards an emotional crevasse. Your best creation has become your favorite joke now, isn't it ? Last night even I cried after a long time. I don't know what exactly triggered it but when i calmed down I realized I wasn't crying only for dada. I was crying for myself too. For the slap and the humiliation, for parting from my kolkata friends, for having to come to Guwahati when everything was going so smoothly in kolkata, for having to witness my ma's tears and papa's and perhaps for being such a bloody helpless mass of life. I cried for anything and everything.
Doctor say dada is disabled. I believe, so is everyone in some or the other. Else pain and suffering would not have plagued the society. I am feeling damn sick. I know life isn't fancy show. Sooner or later all get jailed by it. It's up to them how they bail themselves out. I guess I got to find a way out too. But seriously I do have something to tell God : It's tough to be God, I know but mind you it's tougher to be human in this crazy fucking world of yours. Fuck you. FUCK you. FUCK YOU
lord they get me off so much
they pick me up when I'm feeling blue
I don't believe in god, but to me parents are no less equivalent to that term.
I'm incomplete without them, maybe they're the best part of me.
I've been emotionally attached to mom from a long time, mom knows that, maybe that's the reason why I speak anything first to mom and through mom the story reaches dad.
My parents are termed as a successful couple, but I know how much hardship they have faced ; early years have been so much rough for them, that I just can't figure out the luxury now ; and no reason why, tears come down my eyes, when mom tells me the story about their early hardships with life.
My Uncle ( dad's brother) often speak up how lucky mom has been to the family, though I never believed in fate, but the fact remains the same, she came in the family as an angel of prosperity.
Can I ever repay you for all that sacrifices, and love that you made to raise me up ?
I asked her one day the same question, she simply said, you need not.
I know the magnitude of proudness that she used to feel on my achievements, and how much supportive she used to be when I was down with failures.
Maybe she'll never understand my tech stuff, she may never learn 90% of things around me, but I know she'll always read the trouble wailing inside me.
I know she get vexed on my pain, she stares all time from balcony until I return home safe, and I know her anxiety which reflects by the phone call 5 times a day, when I'm out of city; I'll always remain a child in her eyes.
Months back when I was down with the period of depression, I never told her my problem, I used to smile in front of her, just to keep her happy, but somehow she knew what beholds inside me, and finally the day I broke, she was just like that hand which held a child's finger, and which makes the child feels that he is safe :)
In December I still remember, of having intentions of suicide, such was the grip of darkness around me, but her one image in my eyes, and I had silver lines floating in the sky.
I may not wish her on this day, and she knows that I won't, but my love for her will always remain the same, no matter what happen,mom I'll always be your faithful son.
Happy Mother's day, Ma :-)
Well, so I came back from Lucknow, it was a pretty nice city, actually I had such a good time there, that it'd always remain in my memories.
Back at home, and obviously again all alone, last evening I was just reading a novel while I was on the terrace of my house, yeah the same place which shared so many memories of mine, if only it can speak, it could have filled a book.
I was deeply drowned in that novel, suddenly I heard a voice, a child's yanking, at first I gave a thought to ignore that sound, but gradually the amplitude started increasing, and it was more sort of irritating especially for a bookworm like me.
So I gave a look outside, and found two children fighting amongst for a patang( kite), I really wanted to scold the two of 'em destroying my private leisure, and then I realized that the one was screaming the most , was actually suffering from aphorism ( inability to speak ).
I was certainly left dumbfounded for a moment; it was that feeling that made me uncomfortable, that boy without voice, poverty, no education and after all no future, was fighting for a silly kite ?
was that piece of paper so important to him ? a crap worth single buck ? what was single buck to me ? I guess nothing !
I was fondling with my idoligies, were "karma" and "fate" really some stupid stuff, that exists ?
At time I thought to help him, I had some bucks in my pocket, should I offer him money ? or should I help him anyways ? naah, what was the use of it ? 10-20 bucks, I can waste that amount in no time, how could it help that boy ? and after all I wasn't supposed to get in contact with such people.
I still remember that day. when I was the subject of everyone's eye, when I offered 20 bucks to a child who was begging on the posh streets of civil lines. The staring effect somehow made me feel guilty, what a waste on the name of humanity !
I was crippling under my own thoughts, and then accompanied by the fondant ringtone on my cellphone, I got busy on a call, minutes later when I came back, there was no child, there were no screams, all that left behind was shredded pieces of papers, somehow the novel in my hand was feeling so heavy.
Draws me in again
She washes all my wounds for me
The darkness in my veins
I never could explain
And I wonder if you ever see
Will you still believe?
Am I that strong
To carry on?
I might change your life
I might save my world
Could you save me?
This Poem describes the mental trauma of a person
who lost his love.
You think you can make me cry again ?
for today I sleep on this cold bed ?
with this mighty frozen guitar
which yields nothing but barren sounds
feel the pain in my tunes
taste my tears, they're all mine.
There's more to morning,
how 'm I supposed to cry whole night?
Its alright, now that you're gone
Still I can see your face in those stars
The drink tastes so sour,
the bed is still so cold,
for reasons unknown,
this goodbye kiss is all yours
Whose gonna fondle with my hairs again ?
wasn't you, who loved 'em ?
this holy grails smiles today,
was it all it wanted for so long ?
In my dreams, I see you again
want to run away with you all night,
and I don't care for the sunshine
I can't sleep now, till morning
Hold me in your eyes again
I want to cry
It was just another night and there was I, standing all alone. Had no idea for the reason I was staring at the darkness, all my memory was black and blank. Trees all around, and panorama of nothing. I started kicking my footsteps toward that boulevard and it was getting darker every moment. Deep in the forest where, lies no place for memories, well everything was looking just the same, but still I was walking. I never knew what beholds inside for they can’t speak and amidst that darkness was a silent night. The only source of light was that lunatic sphere at the archway, but its light was diminishing as if the moon was falling into some black hole of outer space, like never before.
Melancholy everywhere, all I could feel was pain, hindering the leisure of the so filtered silver light from the moon. There among the bushes I saw a woman, with wens all over her face, she was definitely looking waned, and she had an aquiline nose like they do portray witches on motion screens. All she was doing out there was to dance, and cry in a voice that I couldn’t hear. She was wailing like a parade of falling rain, was she crying for her lust? , but no one was there to stop her, for she was just an illusion of my imagination. It was really a hard lack to find warmth, coldness creeping inside me .
I had to obliterate my fear, for I can’t standstill out there with that chilling bone effect. Was she just like a mirage in that darkness? Or was it inside me? , too confused, everything was just pejorative to the other. Lupines would have been the last thing that I’d have wanted at that time.
So I was still walking through the meter tall grass, than after sometimes I came across an old shattered place, now what I really wanted was to go home and sleep in my mother’s arm, what was I doing?
Yeah! I could see that, I can see the fire at distance, somebody’s out there for me, yeah I’m gonna be saved by someone. So first time in this dark night, I was running, my feats were not touching the ground. The more closely I paced, the more relieved I was feeling, for I could see silhouettes of many from that distance. They were chanting, singing and burbling in their own voices.
The next thing that I saw was just unbelievable, how could this be possible on earth? I could see everyone out there, every single face was known, all my friends whether in past or in present, were gathered out there. There I can see that bunch of nerdy friends; maybe they’d be discussing another set of problems or would have been commenting on some teacher, like we used to do in those golden summer days. Friends who are not with me anymore; friends who left me; the ones whom I left; all my friends from the cyber world. I could see Arsalan, Vivek and Supriya together, bhaida with his usual signature smile. I was also detecting some unknown faces, but from a corner of my heart I knew their names, Sypko, Evil, Sandeep, Abbas and few more. Aha, there were those three chaps Apoorv, Aakansha, Aru ; everlasting triple A battery of my life. And was I missing the limelight? Well no ,for Piyush, Sidharth, Asma, Renan everyone was out there. Every single person was out there, Dev, Harshit, Anirudh, Bhavik, Mushtaq, Karin, Camilo, philosopher Nilanjan.
Hey folks! I’m here, why don’t you pay attention to me? Gosh they cannot hear my voice. And there was she, smiling like everbefore . I knew she was watching me, she can always feel my presence. I wanted to greet her, tell her that sometimes I do really miss her, wanted to give her a warm hug. And as I started approaching toward her, I heard a humming sound, like folks of bees moving in our direction, the sound was amplified every second, what was happening? Argh, back in real life.
It was the crappy cellphone kept on the study table that was vibrating in silent mode. What the fuck, such a shame of having such a tragedy with such a dream. The time was 2:37 AM, and I knew the name of the only person who could have called me at that time. The screen was flashing incoming call of ROY ( Apoorv ). I picked up the call.
“Hello”
“Hi Brother, maine ek sapna dekha, I was in a big hall and there were all people that I had met in my life, all my relatives, friends…………… “
And so he was narrating his dream, and I was left dumbfounded, was it just a dreamer’s paradox? What a co-incidence.
Many Happy returns to Piyush Shekhar :)
Don't you know, you've this day for you
When the sun smiles from the horizon
and says, yeah its all yours.
When the moon luminates with a shiny silver line,
amidst the fog of this cold night.
Has anybody told you that ?
See the darkness, that's all past now,
a smile sparks from somewhere,
telling you ,who you're
Can you feel the dreams today ?
or colors around ?
Now, don't be scared now, all I do is to assure you,
seems everything will be right in pieces for you.
Keep Rocking on ! little brother ,l0l
Orphan
thousands colors that I can paint.
A song that I can play.
with me a broken heart, in this cold bed.
I'm a soul all alone,
still trying to figure out,
how to fly out between two lines.
Mother, O mother,
where are your lovely arms ?
Father, where lies your comforting shadow ?
Am I to fly alone ?
all alone ?
In the agony of this world,
my pole star still awaits
my archway of salvation
is the mockery of my taste.
When I fall around
I break in pieces
then I collect myself
and try to fly again.
Well, what we lack here,
is what we call as emotions,
hearts of rocks and minds of savage.
Is there any place, where I can still fly ?
or is there a kingdom, existing without lines ?
oow, how I left myself behind ?
I don't where am I supposed to go.
I know it was planned, but by whom ?
Don't crush my wings,
they'll revive again.
Don't try to stop me,
I've to fly.
Fly, fly till the horizons meet,
fly fly till the opet reaches earth?
a day will come, when I'll fly.
From Past two weeks, there's been a new addiction in my life
Sometimes, I stare out of my room's window, and look at
those illuminated stars, that shine on us from distance greater
than one can imagine, then by midnight there's someone in the neighborhood,
a flute musician, he plays his flute like eternal tune of the heart.
And for the next hour, I totally devote myself tuned to the Flute Music.
It's an open chapter that music is the biggest medicine, that one can get,
and this flute music, it seems like sound of wisdom under the light of moon.
There was a poem by the great poet Rabindranath Tagore, where he describes,
how the "Raag Bhairavi" played on flute by Kanta babu, used to soothens
the pain and grief of the junior clerk. The damped and dark room of that
clerk used to get composed with vibrant colors, with the flute music.
Music gave him a reason to survive, and deface some moments of his life.
Such things exist on my side,there's something special in his tunes
the tune as if tells me, that, the worst is over,
and I can breathe again.
Amidst the midnight, there's nothing in between his tones and me,
the only sound of crackers intervening my pleasure, telling me
that the festival of lights is nearby, destroys my isolation.
I know on that particular day, his music will fade away,
and even if he plays the flute, his music won't be audible to me.
But music never dies.
In the End, spare some time, for this website, devoted to Music.
www.musicalme.biz
Ever thought about death and the feeling that can arouse, 'cause of it ?
Humans are known to fear death, a thing thats sure to come, sooner or later.
You can run for your life, but you can't hide for your life.
Remember, the time you feel the last cry from inside,
your hands starts to fell like two floating leaves of spring.
Just before goin' to blind, the last pain,
that is the door which leads you to the path of being Comfortably Numb.
Few days back, I saw a movie, it was titled "Last Dance".
Quite an old movie, but really touched my heart,
don't know why, it eroded some beliefs, some mindsets of mine.
How can you face yourself, when you know, death is on the door ? ,
and whatever you've is just for some moment of time.
Wrote this poem, some days back.
Working a way out for gildering,
It's the time of evec-tion tonight.
No, no more, Joie de vivre,
'm estranged for this life.
I'm no more guilty,
if the moon was never mine.
Toss a feather on my eyes,
I want to sleep tonight,
there's no morning after,
so why should I run for life ?
I need you today,
Why don't you come back again ?
Nobody,
Understands my pain.
I'm dreading in my grief
vexed in my claims.
I just wanna born again.
Turned insane,
'm not the same
I need you here today
I'm so scared today, 'm so tired
you're the only one, who can stop the tears
I stand , then kneel, but you aren't the same.
I walk the same old roads
where we once walked together
but now, you've flied away like a bird
while I'm just here dreaming.
I need some time, to pull emotions
time, to lift up my heart again,
by then I need you here,
Take me back to the place I belong
turn the time back again
I was always with you,
but you aren't the same
I need you back again
'cause they don't understand me
and they don't care
you're all I want, here today.
sorry,
Ankit
