aaine me apna hi aks dekhta tha
na jaane kab chehra badal gaia

Bought around 4 novels last month from landmark, yeah it boozed me again. I desperately wanted to have poppies of Arvind Gosh, however as usual I was running off budget in an alien city. Well there was one novel amidst the collection, and that by an Indian author Novoneel Chakraborty titled A thing beyond forever. This book left a vivid impression on me, not because the book was so greatest of all time, or if the author was famous enough, the only reason was because somehow i felt that book close enough to me.
The tag-line " the reward for every true love is not love" attracted me at the first glance.

A must read book :) read more about book from
http://nbconline.blogspot.com/2008/07/thing-beyond-forever.html

Following excerpts from the book elucidating the dairy of Raen.

And yeah, I'm back to blogging again, was facing some glitches with computers, so was off the beat. :)

13th September

Papa has never hurt anybody's feeling ( i can bet my life on it), has not thought evil of anyone at any time, has never done anything in an illegal or sinful manner, never used foul language against anybody; he did all his duties to the best of his abilities and perhaps even more. And after all this what does God do ? Leave him with no option but to cry in front of his own son. I hate you, God. Not because you are making a hell out of my life but you played with a person who deserved your blessing. You always do that, don't you ? You tease the person who deserves your utmost care. You test only those who walk the right path. You design impediments only for those who have the capability of doing something in life. You screw those who are good to others and care to be human.

There are people who, even in today's world, place all their trust in you. And what do you do ? Make a mockery of their trust, belief and faith directing them towards an emotional crevasse. Your best creation has become your favorite joke now, isn't it ? Last night even I cried after a long time. I don't know what exactly triggered it but when i calmed down I realized I wasn't crying only for dada. I was crying for myself too. For the slap and the humiliation, for parting from my kolkata friends, for having to come to Guwahati when everything was going so smoothly in kolkata, for having to witness my ma's tears and papa's and perhaps for being such a bloody helpless mass of life. I cried for anything and everything.

Doctor say dada is disabled. I believe, so is everyone in some or the other. Else pain and suffering would not have plagued the society. I am feeling damn sick. I know life isn't fancy show. Sooner or later all get jailed by it. It's up to them how they bail themselves out. I guess I got to find a way out too. But seriously I do have something to tell God : It's tough to be God, I know but mind you it's tougher to be human in this crazy fucking world of yours. Fuck you. FUCK you. FUCK YOU

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lord they get me off so much
they pick me up when I'm feeling blue

I don't believe in god, but to me parents are no less equivalent to that term.

I'm incomplete without them, maybe they're the best part of me.
I've been emotionally attached to mom from a long time, mom knows that, maybe that's the reason why I speak anything first to mom and through mom the story reaches dad.
My parents are termed as a successful couple, but I know how much hardship they have faced ; early years have been so much rough for them, that I just can't figure out the luxury now ; and no reason why, tears come down my eyes, when mom tells me the story about their early hardships with life.

My Uncle ( dad's brother) often speak up how lucky mom has been to the family, though I never believed in fate, but the fact remains the same, she came in the family as an angel of prosperity.
Can I ever repay you for all that sacrifices, and love that you made to raise me up ?
I asked her one day the same question, she simply said, you need not.

I know the magnitude of proudness that she used to feel on my achievements, and how much supportive she used to be when I was down with failures.
Maybe she'll never understand my tech stuff, she may never learn 90% of things around me, but I know she'll always read the trouble wailing inside me.
I know she get vexed on my pain, she stares all time from balcony until I return home safe, and I know her anxiety which reflects by the phone call 5 times a day, when I'm out of city; I'll always remain a child in her eyes.

Months back when I was down with the period of depression, I never told her my problem, I used to smile in front of her, just to keep her happy, but somehow she knew what beholds inside me, and finally the day I broke, she was just like that hand which held a child's finger, and which makes the child feels that he is safe :)
In December I still remember, of having intentions of suicide, such was the grip of darkness around me, but her one image in my eyes, and I had silver lines floating in the sky.
I may not wish her on this day, and she knows that I won't, but my love for her will always remain the same, no matter what happen,mom I'll always be your faithful son.

Happy Mother's day, Ma :-)

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Well, so I came back from Lucknow, it was a pretty nice city, actually I had such a good time there, that it'd always remain in my memories.
Back at home, and obviously again all alone, last evening I was just reading a novel while I was on the terrace of my house, yeah the same place which shared so many memories of mine, if only it can speak, it could have filled a book.

I was deeply drowned in that novel, suddenly I heard a voice, a child's yanking, at first I gave a thought to ignore that sound, but gradually the amplitude started increasing, and it was more sort of irritating especially for a bookworm like me.
So I gave a look outside, and found two children fighting amongst for a patang( kite), I really wanted to scold the two of 'em destroying my private leisure, and then I realized that the one was screaming the most , was actually suffering from aphorism ( inability to speak ).



I was certainly left dumbfounded for a moment; it was that feeling that made me uncomfortable, that boy without voice, poverty, no education and after all no future, was fighting for a silly kite ?
was that piece of paper so important to him ? a crap worth single buck ? what was single buck to me ? I guess nothing !
I was fondling with my idoligies, were "karma" and "fate" really some stupid stuff, that exists ?

At time I thought to help him, I had some bucks in my pocket, should I offer him money ? or should I help him anyways ? naah, what was the use of it ? 10-20 bucks, I can waste that amount in no time, how could it help that boy ? and after all I wasn't supposed to get in contact with such people.
I still remember that day. when I was the subject of everyone's eye, when I offered 20 bucks to a child who was begging on the posh streets of civil lines. The staring effect somehow made me feel guilty, what a waste on the name of humanity !

I was crippling under my own thoughts, and then accompanied by the fondant ringtone on my cellphone, I got busy on a call, minutes later when I came back, there was no child, there were no screams, all that left behind was shredded pieces of papers, somehow the novel in my hand was feeling so heavy.

Your faith like the pain
Draws me in again
She washes all my wounds for me
The darkness in my veins
I never could explain
And I wonder if you ever see
Will you still believe?

Am I that strong
To carry on?
I might change your life
I might save my world
Could you save me?

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This Poem describes the mental trauma of a person
who lost his love.

You think you can make me cry again ?
for today I sleep on this cold bed ?
with this mighty frozen guitar
which yields nothing but barren sounds
feel the pain in my tunes
taste my tears, they're all mine.

There's more to morning,
how 'm I supposed to cry whole night?
Its alright, now that you're gone
Still I can see your face in those stars

The drink tastes so sour,
the bed is still so cold,
for reasons unknown,
this goodbye kiss is all yours

Whose gonna fondle with my hairs again ?
wasn't you, who loved 'em ?
this holy grails smiles today,
was it all it wanted for so long ?

In my dreams, I see you again
want to run away with you all night,
and I don't care for the sunshine
I can't sleep now, till morning
Hold me in your eyes again
I want to cry

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It was just another night and there was I, standing all alone. Had no idea for the reason I was staring at the darkness, all my memory was black and blank. Trees all around, and panorama of nothing. I started kicking my footsteps toward that boulevard and it was getting darker every moment. Deep in the forest where, lies no place for memories, well everything was looking just the same, but still I was walking. I never knew what beholds inside for they can’t speak and amidst that darkness was a silent night. The only source of light was that lunatic sphere at the archway, but its light was diminishing as if the moon was falling into some black hole of outer space, like never before.

Melancholy everywhere, all I could feel was pain, hindering the leisure of the so filtered silver light from the moon. There among the bushes I saw a woman, with wens all over her face, she was definitely looking waned, and she had an aquiline nose like they do portray witches on motion screens. All she was doing out there was to dance, and cry in a voice that I couldn’t hear. She was wailing like a parade of falling rain, was she crying for her lust? , but no one was there to stop her, for she was just an illusion of my imagination. It was really a hard lack to find warmth, coldness creeping inside me .

I had to obliterate my fear, for I can’t standstill out there with that chilling bone effect. Was she just like a mirage in that darkness? Or was it inside me? , too confused, everything was just pejorative to the other. Lupines would have been the last thing that I’d have wanted at that time.

So I was still walking through the meter tall grass, than after sometimes I came across an old shattered place, now what I really wanted was to go home and sleep in my mother’s arm, what was I doing?

Yeah! I could see that, I can see the fire at distance, somebody’s out there for me, yeah I’m gonna be saved by someone. So first time in this dark night, I was running, my feats were not touching the ground. The more closely I paced, the more relieved I was feeling, for I could see silhouettes of many from that distance. They were chanting, singing and burbling in their own voices.

The next thing that I saw was just unbelievable, how could this be possible on earth? I could see everyone out there, every single face was known, all my friends whether in past or in present, were gathered out there. There I can see that bunch of nerdy friends; maybe they’d be discussing another set of problems or would have been commenting on some teacher, like we used to do in those golden summer days. Friends who are not with me anymore; friends who left me; the ones whom I left; all my friends from the cyber world. I could see Arsalan, Vivek and Supriya together, bhaida with his usual signature smile. I was also detecting some unknown faces, but from a corner of my heart I knew their names, Sypko, Evil, Sandeep, Abbas and few more. Aha, there were those three chaps Apoorv, Aakansha, Aru ; everlasting triple A battery of my life. And was I missing the limelight? Well no ,for Piyush, Sidharth, Asma, Renan everyone was out there. Every single person was out there, Dev, Harshit, Anirudh, Bhavik, Mushtaq, Karin, Camilo, philosopher Nilanjan.

Hey folks! I’m here, why don’t you pay attention to me? Gosh they cannot hear my voice. And there was she, smiling like everbefore . I knew she was watching me, she can always feel my presence. I wanted to greet her, tell her that sometimes I do really miss her, wanted to give her a warm hug. And as I started approaching toward her, I heard a humming sound, like folks of bees moving in our direction, the sound was amplified every second, what was happening? Argh, back in real life.

It was the crappy cellphone kept on the study table that was vibrating in silent mode. What the fuck, such a shame of having such a tragedy with such a dream. The time was 2:37 AM, and I knew the name of the only person who could have called me at that time. The screen was flashing incoming call of ROY ( Apoorv ). I picked up the call.

“Hello”

“Hi Brother, maine ek sapna dekha, I was in a big hall and there were all people that I had met in my life, all my relatives, friends…………… “

And so he was narrating his dream, and I was left dumbfounded, was it just a dreamer’s paradox? What a co-incidence.

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Many Happy returns to Piyush Shekhar :)



Don't you know, you've this day for you
When the sun smiles from the horizon
and says, yeah its all yours.
When the moon luminates with a shiny silver line,
amidst the fog of this cold night.

Has anybody told you that ?

See the darkness, that's all past now,
a smile sparks from somewhere,
telling you ,who you're

Can you feel the dreams today ?
or colors around ?
Now, don't be scared now, all I do is to assure you,
seems everything will be right in pieces for you.


Keep Rocking on ! little brother ,l0l

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